psych psych psych

I saw my shrink on Friday; I have had a regular 2-monthly appointment with him since my boy died. He is an ex-military man (though it doesn't show, I have to say)whose PhD was on the subject of post traumatic stress, on which he is now considered a world authority. But he is also invariably warm and kind. He is not particularly sophisticated intellectually though, and I sometimes think he is slightly in awe of my more rounded cultural background.

I wasn't sure what to say to him this time; after all, you can't really go to your psychiatrist and say you're fine, can you? But I found something to offer him: a dream I had recently which disturbed me more for its aftermath than the dream itself.

In my dream my boy was still alive, around the age of 17. It is mid-afternoon, and I have discovered him in his bedroom, still lying in bed. I take a pop at him for his laziness and fecklessness.
"You're just wasting your life like this" I tell him.
"You lie in bed all day then go out and get rat-arsed with your low-life friends all night. What sort of a life is that?"
Then my wife, who is also present, gets into her own stride and tells him what she thinks of him in no uncertain terms, at which point he flies into a rage and begins screaming abuse at her.
"I don't care what you say" he yells. "You're not even my proper mum!"
At which point she bursts into tears and runs from the room. Then I wake up.
My very first waking thought is of utter horror: how can I go on like this? This is unendurable! Then I realize it was a dream, and next, to my absolute mortification I am aware that I am actually relieved he is dead. For though dreams are supposed to be divorced from reality, this one had a terrible atmosphere of authenticity about it. For several days afterward, I am gripped in a stark, unremitting stranglehold of guilt. But my shrink comes through, giving me permisson to have these feelings. I sometimes think that all counselling and psychotherapy is nothing more than giving people permission to feel the things they do, and I leave the session feeling much improved, which, I guess, is the object of the exercise.