Pelagius rants

As a birthday treat, my wife arranged a 2 day stay in my alma mater, viz, Liverpool. I have not been back there since 1975. Obviously a lot has changed; the docks have disappeared, replaced by the Albert Dock development, all shiny new museums like the Tate and restaurants by the scroe, just like Bristol and Cardiff, in faot. Other things though remain satisfyingly as they were: the medical school looked no different, and the Philharmonic pub, my favourite watering hole, was exactly as I remember it, still featuring its famous marble latrines; still providing an irresistible attraction for females wishing for a peek, despite the possibility of encountering a gentleman using the facilities in a manner commensurate with its design.

RANT 1: BOOB JOB BOO-BOO

50,000 plus women find themselves in the unenviable position of discovering their implants were made to absolute minimum standards and are now beginning to fail. The issue of who is going to pay to have them removed and replaced is now a hot issue. For my part I believe the private clinics who fitted them should be responsible though the fact that HMG has suggested they have a "moral responsibility" will not cut much ice with these consummate rip-off artists. They didn't become fabulously rich by doing the right thing; they got fabulously rich by persuading thousands of women they needed the damn things in the first place.

And I have to say this: what of these women, who allowed themselves to be persuaded by a chauvinistic male population: do they not also bear a heavy responsibility for playing into the hands of the men? Don't they realise that an awful lot of us are not that shallow? The extraordinary boom in boob jobs shows how far the feminist movement has got to go. Speaking personally, I am as interested in breasts as much as the next red-blooded heterosexual male, though in fact I prefer a more streamlined superstructure to the pneumatic, obviously enhanced variety, and I suspect I'm not alone. Shame on you women for allowing yourselves to be manipulated so!

RANT 2: PALTROW SCHMATROW

Gwyneth Paltrow has had some very good press lately as the most "meaningful" woman in Hollywood. She's just published her own cookery book, though someone worked out how much her recipe for brownies would cost: about the same as buying them as Fortnum and Masons. She recently advertised for a nanny, stating her requirements: they should be "classically trained" (whatever that means) to speak at least three languages, including preferably Mandarin, and should have a keen interest in Tennis and marshal arts.

On hearing this, my wife pointed out that it should be easy to get a rep as a great mum with such a multi-talented nanny- they could even help the kids with their homework, thereby avoiding those unpleasant little scenes that arise when you try to do that yourself. Good luck, Gwynie- I'm sure there'll be no shortage of applicants for such a great job!