back to earth with a sneeze

Although I had an enjoyable and productive few days in Amsterdam, pleasing myself in that most fascinating of European cities, as well as completing first drafts on 2 short stories, for much of the time I "wondered if I was going to develop a cold". The odd sneeze, a runny nose; often these things come to nothing in the event, but almost as the holiday came to an end, and I sat on the plane between 2 enormous gentlemen, both of whom had to ask for extenders to their seat belts, it came on as we reached cruising altitude. My left eustachian tube blocked completely, thereby preventing my middle ear cavity from equalising pressure with the outside atmosphere. Therefore the pressure in my middle ear is still at about 10,000 feet.

In consequence of which, apart from the standard low level nuisances a cold provides, as I write these words I am more or less deaf in my left ear, though it is emitting a loud and persistent hiss; this being accompanied by an unpleasant sense of fullness deep within the ear, which feels as if my eardrum is going to implode at any moment. There is because there is now a partial vacuum in the chamber that contains the 3 tiny "auditory ossicles", and to remedy this problem, automatic mechanisms in the body have secreted a serous fluid into the normally dry cavity, causing a fluid layer to be formed, which moves on every turn of the head, bringing about a vertiginous sensation.

It is a phenomenon we are all familiar with if we fly with any regularity: sooner or later we have to get on board a plane with a cold. I can only feel grateful that the last time it happened to me was nearly 6 years ago. In my experience it usually takes as long to disperse as the cold itself; about a week. So I am in for a miserable few days. Also I could do without some of the other associated cold symptoms. This morning I farted vigorously, but my rectal cells, normally reliable sensors which can tell the difference between gas and solids, became stupid and I shat myself. Thank goodness I was in the house and alone at the time...