how to avoid a royal wedding

1. In the days coming up to the Big Day, avoid watching the news on television and reading any newspaper, except perhaps "Black Flag".

2. On the day itself, get out of the house and into a place beyond the reach of any media. For our part, we journeyed once again to the Forest of Dean, where in stark contrast to our last attempt, (see my blog of 12.2.11) when thousands of petrol heads thronged the trails to watch lots of very fast cars screaming around at frightening speed and ear-splitting noise, the forest, at least in the morning, was almost completely devoid of human life, save for a handful of determined mountain-bikers. The bluebells were in full bloom, though looking a little sorry for themselves, having been totally deprived of rain for nearly a month. Indeed, if it doesn't rain today we shall have witnessed an April with no rainfall at all, a feat unprecedented in my lifetime.

3. Find yourself an anti-royalist party, where the chat will be less about the dress and that kiss, and more about how the state feels it necessary from time to time to remind us of our place, namely that we live in a wholly undemocratic society where we are not "citizens", but "subjects of her Majesty the Queen and her hangers-on"
Interestingly, one of the attendees has a satellite system which picks up 79 channels from Europe and Asia. He flipped through the whole lot for fun just before leaving his house, and found all but 3 of them were providing continuous coverage of, you've guessed it...

4. In the evening, stock up on your favourite booze and settle down to watching some familiar and well-loved movies, which in our case included John Frankenheimer's excellent "Ronin", which despite its impenetrable plot ("what's in the case?")features some of the most exciting action sequences ever put on film, as well as a candidate for best car chase ever. Certainly it is real, as opposed to the computer-generated chases in more recent films like "The Matrix".

5. On the day after, try not to be too nauseated by the creeping coverage in the newspapers, like a little piece in the Times, which described the royal couple as "ordinary people really, just like us". Oh yeah? So we all live a life of immense wealth and privilege, without ever having to do a day's proper work for it, by the simple virtue of an accident of birth? What an absolute load of crap.

6. Beware the Sunday papers. They won't be any better either...